


There are many lies but barely one truth

by paragraph (ebcdic)



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Ableist Language, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Gay Bashing, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, POV Mickey, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sex Toys, Sexist Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 06:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11984391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebcdic/pseuds/paragraph
Summary: From a young age, Mickey knew his family was different. As he got older, he realized he was different from his family, too.Mickey's life, through the end of season 3.





	There are many lies but barely one truth

**Author's Note:**

> I just mainlined all 7 seasons. It always kind of bothered me how Ian acted after Mickey got raped. So I tried to write from Mickey's POV on that whole subject. All the canon-typical violence, attitudes, and language, etc.

From a young age, Mickey knew his family was different. As he got older, he realized he was different from his family, too. 

A lot of the families in the neighborhood had a large number of children, some of them only had one parent but it was usually a woman, a few of them showed up to school with bruises, but none of them showed up so dirty that no one wanted to sit next to them. Mickey's mother died when he was five and Mandy was four. He remembered her being young, way younger than their father, skinny, with stringy hair, and a gorgeous smile. It would've been a mystery why she stayed with Terry, except it was probably the same reason all of them stayed: brute force and terror.

Terry was quick to escalate if someone didn't obey his orders. It started with verbal insults, moved up to fists, and he wasn't afraid to involve weapons if it came down to it. Jaime had a nasty scar on his shoulder to prove that; Terry knifed him repeatedly when he didn't move fast enough to get him a beer. All of the brothers had scars from something Terry did; burns, stab wounds, gunshot wounds, broken bones that never healed right. Mandy was spared until she hit puberty. Molly was lucky that her meth head mother absconded with her to Wisconsin not long after she was born. 

With no female influence and Terry in and out of the can constantly, there was no one to make sure any of the kids bathed regularly, brushed their teeth, or changed their clothes. No one ever cleaned house, excepting the dishes, and they pretty much lived off eggs and take-out. Somehow they never had DCFS knocking down their door. Probably because anyone who might even think about reporting them was sure that Terry would beat them to death. 

So Mickey knew his family wasn't normal, but what could he do about it? What made him different from his family, that he had control over. 

He first realized the difference when he was eleven. His best friend was a guy named Tommy Marrari who lived a couple of blocks over. Tommy was a year older than Mickey, with dark hair and warm brown eyes. His laugh was infectious. Mickey absolutely idolized him, wanted to be near him at all times. Tommy tolerated it, called him 'little dude', and the Marraris didn't mind Mickey sleeping over a lot. Mrs. Marrari called him 'poverino' and always gave him second helpings. Mickey felt butterflies in his stomach when Tommy's arm brushed his as they slept in the same bed at night. His brothers watched porn all the time and sometimes there was kissing. Mickey wanted to kiss Tommy. It was like a burning need. So he gave into it one night. Just rolled over a bit and brushed his lips against Tommy's. Tommy pushed him away, but lucky for Mickey, he didn't get homicidal over it. He just explained that wasn't normal and maybe Mickey shouldn't sleep over anymore. Mickey was devastated but he kept it cool. They drifted apart pretty quickly but as he got older, Mickey was forever grateful for how Tommy handled it and how he kept his mouth shut.

Terry got out of the can not long after that. His dad's brothers were over a lot and there was a lot of talk about 'fucking faggots' and 'teach them a lesson' and 'just fucking kill the fucking fags'. Faggots were men who liked men. Like Mickey liked Tommy. Mickey could never let his father figure out his son is a fag. 

Having a bunch of older brothers made it easy to fake it. He just aped what they did. Girls were 'chicks' or 'skanks' or 'sluts'. They had 'nice tits' or 'a great ass' or occasionally 'nice legs'. When he turned thirteen, his brothers hired a hooker as his birthday present. It was only due to the endless porn on the TV in their living room that Mickey had any clue whatsoever what to do. He had to think of Tommy and other hot guys at school to get it up and keep it up though. And it seemed like it took forever for him to orgasm. She came twice, or at least faked it, before he finally got himself over by thinking of Steven Seagal wielding a gun. 

Not long after that, he got sent to juvie for possession with intent to sell. He knew from his dad and his brothers that he needed to watch his back in there and not just for fear of getting a beat down. But he realized pretty quick that while getting fucked meant you were a bitch, doing the fucking meant you were to be feared. Mickey was shorter than most guys his age, but he was strong and knew how to fight. Plus his last name held a lot of weight. But that didn't mean he wasn't curious. In the cell across from his, some Mexican banger named Garcia bent his cellmate, a pasty kid in for some white collar bullshit named Keeley, over every night. Keeley screamed a lot at first but eventually shut the hell up. He walked around with a bit of a limp and bruises on his arms and neck. Mickey's moral compass didn't always point north, but it didn't seem right to force someone, so he just kept his head down.

His brothers took him to a tattoo parlor in celebration when he got out and he got FUCK U-UP tattooed across his knuckles. Another guy in juvie had a similar tattoo and he was kind of hot. Plus no one messed with him. 

He made friends with Angie Zago by complete, but terrifying, accident. Mickey had gone to a sex shop a few neighborhoods over to look around, maybe swipe something. He was looking at a rack of dildos, thinking about what it would feel like to fuck himself with one, when Angie came around the corner. He knew her from around the neighborhood, she was closer to Iggy's age though. Mickey thought he was going to have a heart attack just seeing her. But she was cool about it. She knew all this shit about sexuality from the internet. Said she was pansexual and preferred to be the one doing the fucking. Which Mickey was super confused about until he went back to her house and learned what a strap-on was. They fucked the 'normal' way sometimes, too, but both liked it more the other way.

Fucking with Angie gave him the courage to try to find a guy to fuck him. He took the hour ride on the L up to Boystown, changed into nicer clothes in the bathroom of a Dunkin' Donuts, snorted a bump of coke, and then used a fake ID to get into The North End. It was a sports bar that honestly didn't look all that different from any other dive on the southside. Except that ninety percent of the customers were dudes and there were bowls of condoms all over the place. He ordered a beer and tried to calm his racing heart. Eventually a regular looking guy came up to him and they ended up blowing each other in the bathroom. Mickey wasn't sure whether he actually liked giving head or not but it probably required practice or something.

Every couple of months for a year, Mickey risked that trip up north. He stuck to blow jobs and hand jobs for awhile. Figured out he actually did like blowing guys. But then this bear of a guy wanted to fuck him. They went into the alley. It was dark and dirty and kind of smelled like rotting vegetables. There wasn't much foreplay. Guy probably figured Mickey was older and more experienced than he really was. It hurt like fuck at first, way more than one of Angie's dildos, which must've been way smaller than this guy. But then he finally hit that spot inside and Mickey felt like he was dying in the best way. He never came so hard in his life. 

But he still had to keep up appearances with his old man and brothers. He went on runs, did beat downs on people who owed the family money, pretended to be interested girls and porn and Aryan bullshit. It was working. Then Mandy had to go and fuck it all up.

Ian Gallagher. One of the many Gallaghers, a family not unlike the Milkoviches, minus the violent crime, homophobia, and rampant racism. Allegedly he raped Mandy or hurt her or what-the-fuck-ever. Mandy was his little sister and no one messed with her and got away with it. It's not like chasing after Gallagher was a hardship though. The guy was hot. Mickey was even kind of disappointed when Mandy called it off. So he started stealing from the Kash and Grab where Ian worked. Fucking with the pussy that ran the place was a bonus. 

Mickey never shat where he ate. If he wanted to get fucked, he went up north. No way was he going to risk it in this neighborhood. Then Ian came into his bedroom, all hot and angry. They wrestled around and even though he had trained himself not to get a boner while doing that out of self preservation, he couldn't help it with with Ian. He still doesn't know what possessed him to start taking off his clothes but as soon as he saw Ian's cock, he was gone. Ian was hot and hung. How was Mickey supposed to say no to that? In one fell swoop, he broke every rule he'd ever set for himself except for one: no kissing. 

Having Terry walk in on them should've been a huge deterrent, but Mickey kept letting Ian fuck him. He was fucking addicted to his cock and the thrill of the whole thing. It was even worth getting shot by towelhead, the pedo fuck. At least that guy wasn't going to rat Mickey out. Frank though, Frank fucking Gallagher. That guy had diarrhea of the mouth and he hung out at the Alibi, the same place as Terry. All Mickey could think about was the time Terry fag bashed a couple he caught kissing at a gas station on a run. He broke all the fingers on the one guy's hand one by one, kicked the other guy in the balls so hard that blood was actually seeping through his pants, and capped it all off by pistol whipping them into unconsciousness. Mickey had stayed inside the store for all of this so he wouldn't have to be involved and to prevent the clerk from calling the cops. So if he couldn't kill Frank, Mickey figured it was better to be in juvie if Terry found out. Maybe he'd cool down by the time Mickey got out or Mickey would have time to figure a way out.

Terry didn't find out though. Not then anyway. 

This third time in juvie, some guy tried to rape him. Mickey was able to throw the guy off before it got too far and beat him up. But he was so wound up from everything surrounding Ian and he didn't want to have to constantly worry about someone else trying to rape him. So he fucked his cellmate. His cellmate, Ramirez, was somewhat willing. He wanted the protection Mickey could offer but he wasn't gay and didn't like taking it up the ass. Mickey would've offered to do it the other way around, but that kind of defeated the whole 'you're my bitch' purpose. 

When he got out, he went straight to Ian like the little bitch he fought not to be in juvie. Ian kept making these little cracks in Mickey's armor, made Mickey feel things besides lust for him. Jealousy was a new one for Mickey, but it was sated with his fists just as well as any other emotion. Even if he did end up doing what Ian wanted anyway; to kiss him. But this need to care for him, about him, that Mickey didn't know what to do with. Mandy is the only one he'd ever really cared about but she was family. Ian was definitely not family. Mickey couldn't stop himself from making the offer to Ian. The entire time he was saying the words, he was internally cringing. What kind of badass asked some guy over for the night?

It was nice though. They watched action movies and ate pizza rolls. Ian did the super-lame yawn and stretch move which led to making out. Mickey had never done that before, no kiss rule and all, but he could get used to it. Ian's big hands cupping his face, guiding Mickey into each kiss, their tongues sliding together. Mickey being allowed to touch Ian all over. No worrying about someone interrupting. Finally Mickey got the chance to ride Ian since they were fucking on an actual bed. It felt like nothing could touch them and Mickey let down his guard. He didn't hold back from moaning or calling out Ian's name. The next morning he even tried to show Ian some of the other things he was into, even if Ian didn't get it, and didn't seem to want to get it.

Then Terry came in.

It's like time was both stopped and sped up at the same time. Mickey couldn't think, he was fucking terrified. All he could think was 'fuck I'm going to die Ian's going to die we're both going to die'. He couldn't let Ian die, so he made sure Terry would focus on him instead. It hurt to get pummeled like that, to get pistol whipped, more than getting shot even, but at least Ian was mostly okay. For now. Mickey wasn't sure who 'the Russian' was but it didn't sound good. His head was pounding and he could barely see. Terry was pacing over by the door, so Mickey could look at Ian all he wanted. Ian had blood smeared down his chest and he kept clenching and unclenching his fists. Mickey hoped Ian wouldn't try something stupid that would get him killed. 

The Russian was a hooker. Mickey could get it up for a woman but he hadn't had to do that in a long while. He had to stare at Ian and ignore the fact that a hooker was being forced to rape him. But then the hooker was raping him and it hurt too much to look at Ian. Mickey wanted it to be over with. So he flipped her around and went at it hard and fast. He had to think of random guys to get off; he couldn't think of Ian. When he tried to pull out, to not come inside her, Terry cocked his gun again, and like that, there was no choice for Mickey or the hooker. Mickey wasn't religious, but he prayed she was on birth control. 

Terry let the hooker get redressed and leave, but forced Mickey and Ian to stay in place. Once she was gone, he came back into the living room and let Ian get dressed all while threatening him. Mickey couldn't move, couldn't look away from the floor. He was afraid that if he did, Terry would do something much worse. When the door slammed shut, Mickey jumped a bit, but still didn't move. He didn't realize Terry had left until hours later. 

Mickey tried to lay low after that. Stay away from Terry and when he couldn't avoid that, it was all 'yes sir no sir'. It killed him to stay away from Ian but he was terrified of what would happen if Terry saw them together in any capacity. Ian got off light but he wouldn't a second time. Mickey was raped and beaten and he was lonely, but Ian was alive and he was alive, so he just dealt with it.

Except Ian found Mickey anyway. He made fucking jokes about the whole situation to start. Maybe that was Ian's way of coping, instead of shooting inanimate objects and drinking himself into a coma, but it still hurt. Mickey wanted to say something, anything, but he couldn't. He physically couldn't. The words were stuck there in his throat. Besides, it was better if Ian stayed away.

There was no god. The hooker, Svetlana, was pregnant. Mickey didn't know much about pregnancy but the timing seemed off for it to be his like she claimed. In fact, Mickey would bet all he had that Terry was paying her to claim that. All of a sudden, Terry gained morals and demanded that Mickey 'do the right thing' and marry her. Or he would go after 'that assdigger' and castrate him. What the fuck could Mickey do? He agreed to the marriage but refused to participate in the planning. Svetlana seemed kind of disappointed that he didn't care. She had to know this wasn't real. How could anything that started with 'fuck the faggot out of him' be real? It was hard to be mad at her though; not like she had any choice but to rape Mickey. Terry would've done fuck knows what to her if she refused. 

Mandy had to go and run her mouth about the wedding. Mickey tried so hard to just numb himself to everything. He was practically living at the old abandoned complex now. That's where Ian found him again. Ian didn't get it, but Mickey couldn't find the words to explain. It wasn't about being gay or straight or who he loved or being a man. It wasn't a choice. It was never a choice where Terry was concerned. Ian was being immature about it, because he still had innocence left. So Mickey gave into the taunts hoping Ian would feel defeated enough to stay the fuck away from the entire Milkovich shit show. 

Ian showed up to the wedding anyway. He still thought it was about being in the closet, about not wanting more with him. Clearly he wasn't just going to go away and forget about it. And maybe Terry would back off after this wedding, but there's no way Mickey could ever give Ian what he wanted, not until Terry was six feet under. So he tried to play it cool, they could still bang. Maybe that could be enough. Ian fucking him after so long felt like a religious experience. But Ian still didn't get it, maybe didn't want to get it and once again, Mickey had to play the bad guy. 

Life with Svetlana was weird. She was still whoring. She drank even though she was pregnant, which even Mickey knew was bad. On their wedding night, she tried to initiate sex with him and he had to claim whiskey dick. Why would he want to have sex with the woman who raped him? She hadn't tried since. Then Ian shows up and Mickey doesn't know what to do. Pretending like it was all completely normal and not fucked seemed to be the only option. Except Ian threw a curve ball. Mickey had tried so hard to get Ian to stay away so he wouldn't get hurt, but he didn't mean Iraq or Afghanistan or wherever-the-fuck. But Ian didn't see that. It probably broke his heart to see Mickey get married. It broke Mickey's heart too. It broke his pride and his spirit and sometimes his will to live when he thought about the kid that would be born in a few months. But he couldn't tell Ian to stay. The words stuck in his throat because Mickey was still terrified and he still didn't know what to do with his feelings for Ian and the entire situation was so fucked up. And Ian wasn't patient and he wanted so much more than Mickey could give at the moment. 

Mickey loved Ian, so he let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> poverino (Italian) = poor little boy


End file.
